My favorite dumb Halloween joke . . . What do R…

My favorite dumb Halloween joke . . .

What do Rednecks do on Halloween?

They PUMP KIN!

I told you it was a dumb joke!

I realized yesterday that my life has been the sam…

I realized yesterday that my life has been the same for many years. There’s no emotion that accompanies this realization, just a statement of fact. I’ve done a few interesting things, but I’ve really had no life-altering upheaving changes.

I had lunch with a woman that I hadn’t seen in several years, and she had a lot of new stuff going on. She’s a successful attorney, she’s in grad school again, she’s thinking about getting married. I had nothing of any true relevance to report — well, that’s not true. I’ve moved twice since she and I last spoke. Woo-hoo! I know how to live, right? This realization, however, does confirm that I’m a true writer. We like to observe. So I guess it’s a good thing. I guess . . .

I used to have a friend who moved every year. EVERY year, like clockwork, she was going through the whole finding-a-new-apartment-pack-all-of-my-shit-and-move thing. That would drive me nuts! I need way more stability than that. Some people thrive on that constant change. Once about every 5-7 years is about all I can take. After dedicating an entire phone book to her new addresses, I finally lost contact with her. It’s been about 5 years, so she could be anywhere by now. I’m sure she’s having fun, wherever she is.

Did anyone happen to catch the Today Show this mor…

Did anyone happen to catch the Today Show this morning? One of the guests was Shirley MacLaine, who has apparently written a new book. The title is “Out on a Leash,” which sounds strikingly similar to her previous release, “Out on a Limb.” This book happens to be about her new happy relationship . . . with her dog.

Let me qualify what I’m about to say by admitting that I’m a serious animal lover. Occasionally I prefer animals to people, and I have pets that I love dearly. That said, you realize how serious it is when I say that Shirley MacLaine has completely lost her mind.

She discusses her metaphysical relationship with her dog, Terry (a terrier, who she brought to the set of the Today show). Shirley asserts that nature is always talking to you, but she’s now prepared to listen. She even credits Terry for writing every other chapter of the book, and Terry has written insightful things about Shirley’s beliefs and abilities. Intermittently they showed pictures of Shirley and the dog, including a few of Shirley in bed with the dog — they were both fully dressed, of course.

I don’t think that Matt Lauer really knew what to do with this information. At some point, I’m sure he was fucking with her because he asked questions like: “So, you’ve given the dog writing credits. Do you ever wonder that people are going to think you’re a bit . . . eccentric?” [Her response: she doesn't care.] or “How old is Terry? [about 4] So, the life expectancy of a dog is what? 12 or 13 years? What do you plan to do . . .” [she interrupts and says that she can't bear to think of that day, but she knows that she doesn't want to go first -- in fact her karma is such that 'this time around' she thinks she'll live a long time. She says that if she were to go first, the dog wouldn't be able to understand, she would know what to do because she and Terry are so intertwined.]

Personally, I think she’s cuckoo for coco puffs.

By the way . . . what is it with people who use t…

By the way . . . what is it with people who use the health club as a place to socialize? I specifically chose my gym because it didn’t have all of that chit chat happening, but one of the clubs in the network has turned into a complete social cesspool. I might have to stop going there.

I’m being pseudo-stalked by one of the personal trainers (who looks like he’s not really so healthy). Not technically, but it feels that way, because every time I’m on certain leg machines, he finds his way over to me and starts asking me six million questions while I’m captive and trying to concentrate.

The other day, apparently he saw one of my interviews on a cable access station. Now mind you, I’ve never seen any of my cable access interviews because 1) I don’t have cable (calm down, I’m not media deprived. I have satellite.), 2) I hate (HATE) seeing myself on camera. It truly amazes me that people actually watch that stuff anyway, but since I can’t get much other media coverage, I go with it gratefully.

Anyhoo . . . Mr. PT wants to talk about what I said on cable, and to be honest, I have no clue of what I was talking about on that show. I can tell you that, knowing me, it was something fiercely inappropriate because that’s what I do in interviews — talk about things I shouldn’t. (It’s such a good thing that I run no risk of ever achieving celebrity status because I would be giving retractions on a regular basis.)

So, he wanted to get into a conversation about whatever I was talking about on a show that I couldn’t remember, and then he told me that he wanted a copy of the book. Then of course I felt bad being annoyed because he was trying to be nice (and we all know that I need book sales) — not that my thighs were getting in any better shape by talking about that bloody book.

I was saved by his client, who wanted to get back to his lat pulls and needed guidance from the man that’s being paid a minimum of $50/hr to chat with other patrons. He did say he wanted to continue the conversation later. I can’t wait to go back.

Still picking a good retirement date. I’m thinking on my third anniversary, which is in February. Thinking of having a Valentine’s day closure. Just a thought . . .

Happy Monday! I have no idea why I’m so cheerful …

Happy Monday! I have no idea why I’m so cheerful this morning. Maybe because the sun is shining . . . maybe because it’s supposed to be warm today . . . maybe because I lost 2 pounds. Who know? I’ll take it wherever I can get it.

I have a few things releasing this week (and this is for those of you who complain that I never tell you when new non-G-Spot-related articles come out). There’s a piece that’s coming out in print this weekend. It’s a Tribune insert, and it was done for Black Voices, which is a division of Tribune interactive. But in case you don’t feel like combing the Trib, or if you don’t live in a city where Tribune has a publication, here’s a link. It’s me at my sarcastic best re: fashion.

The other thing is in the Oct. 27th issue of Jet magazine. My friends there are so good to me. They always call and ask if I have any quotes for any relationship-oriented articles. And of course I always do.

Reality show update . . . the black woman didn’t …

Reality show update . . . the black woman didn’t get a rose on the Bachelor!! Is anyone shocked? I knew something was up when she got a lot of interview time. I want everyone to think about this when you’re watching your next reality show . . . the rule of thumb seems to be that the person who’s about to get kicked off gets an inordinate amount of camera time. It’s like the editors want to give them a last hurrah before removing them from their 14 1/2 minutes of fame.

In the meantime, I’m seriously wondering about the fate of The G-Spot. It’s been over 2 years, and I don’t know what to do with it. To write it, or not to write it? Feels like it’s getting kind of old and the last thing I want to do is keep writing this rag until I have an audience of 1. But don’t worry . . . I’ll keep everyone posted.

There’s a new feature on the RantSpot, and that’s …

There’s a new feature on the RantSpot, and that’s the one where you can make comments! How brave am I?

The way you do it is to click on the bottom of the post that you wish to comment on (right now it should say “comments 0″) and fill in the blanks. But be nice, dammit!

Oh, and by the way . . . when I was in South Afric…

Oh, and by the way . . . when I was in South Africa, I saw the Bachelor crew filming at Table Mountain, so I’m assuming that one of Bachelor Bob’s excursion dates was in South Africa. I looked for him while I was up there, but was more enthralled with the beautiful landscape and dramatic vistas than checking up on the Bachelor exploits. Go figure, right?

In case there are those who are unfamiliar with Tivo (you poor things), the way it works is that you record things you like, and then Tivo starts picking things to randomly record on your behalf based on what it thinks your preferences are. It’s kind of weird to see what sort of programming it chooses.

For example, when I got the system, I immediately got a “season’s pass” to Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, which is sheer hilarity. Based on that choice, Tivo put me in the gay programming bucket and began taping shows like Boy Meets Boy and Will and Grace. I love Will and Grace, but not excited about homosexual dating shows, so I had to fem it up by choosing shows like Trading Spaces (which probably didn’t help) and Oprah. Then I added the reality shows like Bachelor.

Well now I’m on the reality show list, and got a couple of episodes of Nick and Jessica: Newlyweds. And, once again, I’m slightly embarassed to say that I’m hooked, although I am. And the reason I’m hooked is because I’m baffled that Jessica Simpson can even put her own shoes on in the morning. When I say that she has about 8 brain cells, I’m really being generous.

Case in point . . . there was a scene where she was eating dinner with her husband and another couple at Tony Roma’s. One of her friends offered her a buffalo wing, and she said “No thanks. I don’t eat buffalo.” Everyone was like “What?” She insisted that she doesn’t eat buffalo. And then her friend made a comment like “No, see, chicken wings were created in buffalo . . .” [which made me fully understand why they're friends], and Nick, embarrased, said something like “C’mon honey, you know this.” She insisted that she didn’t. I believe her.

Does anyone else cannibalize their brain cells by …

Does anyone else cannibalize their brain cells by watching The Bachelor? I’m embarassed to say that it takes up memory on my Tivo box. But it’s one of my train wreck shows — appalling, but I simply can’t take my eyes off of it.

To catch anyone up who hasn’t been sucked into the vortex, there are 10 girls left, vying for the attention of Bachelor Bob. And of course they’re all falling for him and could potentially fall in love with him. I’m upset, however, because there’s a pretty black woman who has managed to hang in there, and can I say that she gets NO camera time whatsoever??? What’s that about?

Not to pull the race card, but I made a point of looking for a comment from her last night, and came up empty. I wonder if it’s because she’s not interesting enough, filling the house drama queen quotient, or maybe everyone quietly knows that she’s not a true contender (although I have no idea of how she feels about Bach Bob. How would I? I don’t think I’ve ever heard her speak!) I can’t believe that she made no camera-worthy utterances about anything. I’m sure that, like everyone else, she thinks that Lee Ann is a bitch, or has expressed sympathy for Merideth’s deceased grandmother. Get her on film, I say. I’m beginning to think she’s mute.

I’m guessing that pretty soon we can expect to see…

I’m guessing that pretty soon we can expect to see Christmas decorations for sale as early as July 4th. I couldn’t believe it when I went into The Great Ace the other day and found a display featuring trees, ornament, and probably fruit cakes (leftover from last year, because who really eats those things anyway?) I guess the theory is that the economy is so bad that they have to start advertising early to make sure that we can start saving now for Christmas gifts.

I’m a little more excited about Halloween m’self. I love Halloween, and this year, it falls on a Friday, so I might have to do a little trick-or-treating in a cute and sexy costume. I haven’t decided what it’s going to be this year. I have, in my reserves, the cat costume that I’ve worn so many times in the past. Admittedly, it’s a bit sleazy and is complete with a pair of thigh-high suede boots that are only worn on Halloween. I’ve won contests with it. It’s fabulous. But this year, I might do something a little different and shake things up a bit. I welcome any suggestions.

The Blues film was a success, although the NY Times decided that it was appropriate to bring up an age-old argument about Blues artists not getting their due royalties. Well, I’m the daughter of a Blues artist, and I even say “Get over it!” They just need something to write about to take the attention off of the fact that their credibility has significantly decreased since the Jayson Blair scandal and all of the upsets in their executive levels.

So, now that the movie is ‘in the can,’ so to speak, I need to find the next, new, cool thing, hopefully in the form of a project that makes me some money. I’m not a complete capitalist . . . okay, well maybe I am.

Had a signing yesterday where I actually did a few readings. It was in a library, so I couldn’t really drink the way I normally do at signings to take the edge off. I’ve decided that, if I must have a signing, I should go back to having them in bars. The library was great, but I was a little too nervous.