So . . . last night I went to a soiree where a lot…

So . . . last night I went to a soiree where a lot of people watched the Apprentice with Omarosa herself. She was the special guest of the evening. It was interesting because they put her chair right next to where I was standing, and I got to chit chat with her a little bit. She’s not nearly as abrasive as she is portrayed on the show, although I can see where she has a competitive edge.

She answered questions on commercial breaks and it was interesting because she’d never seen the show, and hadn’t seen the boardroom scene where Ereka got fired. (By the way, I was very happy to see Ereka go. Aside from being bitchy and conniving, she also looked like she could have used the rest.)

All in all, I have to say that it was good to meet her, and interesting to hear her side of the story in between breaks. She was talking about her future plans, so my hunch is that she didn’t win, but she wasn’t telling. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Average Joe was interesting on Monday night. I do…

Average Joe was interesting on Monday night. I don’t know if the producers were TRYING to get rid of Fredo (one of the Joes with the tattoos and the ponytail), but they took him on a random submarine ride — just him — and let him watch Larissa on her date with Jim, who’s cute if you’re into that vapid male model look, but there’s a huge question as to what’s floating around in that head of his. (Because if anything’s in there, you can be certain that it’s floating).

So, of course he catches her rolling around on the beach making out, which is WAY further than he’s ever gotten with her, so he got mad, wrote her a kind kiss-off letter, and eliminated himself from the competition. This made her life easier because she was planning to get rid of him anyway.

They did something interesting and showed one of her hometown dates and one of her final decisions. She visited Jim in Scottsdale, AZ where she was given the opportunity to see his predictably barren bachelor pad that he shares with his dog and a roomate. She kept mentioning that it needed a woman’s touch and a good cleaning, so I’m assuming it smelled a little ripe in there.

It was 110 degrees outside and he took her mountain biking and repelling. Can I just say that there is NO WAY I would get on anyone’s bike or climb anyone’s mountain in that kind of heat. He’d better find me a pool!! But that’s just me.

Anyhoo, they had no conversation and he actually admitted to not having read many books, which is criminal, in my mind. So know it’s between Brian, Mr-Homeland-Security-Insufferable-Boston-Accent and Gil, blonde-from-Florida. Should be interesting.

Sex and the City is over! Boo!!!!!! I was neve…

Sex and the City is over! Boo!!!!!!

I was never so happy than when Big (who we now know is “John”) came to Paris and retrieved Carrie. I’ve said from the start that I liked Alek, but that I thought he stifled her life. And now, John will be moving to NY to be with her, which is how it should be. And how badly do we feel for Miranda, who will probably be taking care of Steve’s mother until . . . well . . . probably forever??? Ugh! It seems that Magda, who has been with Miranda since her vibrator days of disapproval, finally approves of Miranda’s life. Not that Miranda’s objective should be to please Magda, but for what it’s worth, it was very touching. I would LOVE to see Charlotte planning her Chinese daughter’s Bat Mitzvah. It should be tres hilarious. AND last of all, Samantha. I just LOVE Smith for her. He’s the perfect man, and he loves her completely. There’s nothing sexier than that.

Oh well . . . it’s the end of an era. I can tell you that ‘The “L” Word’ will never be a good replacement.

Did everyone have a festive Valentine’s Day? I ho…

Did everyone have a festive Valentine’s Day? I hope there were no disappointments and that everyone got the treatment that they wanted/deserved. Mine was really an un-Valentines Day, although it was an extremely busy day.

Did everyone see Sex and the City last night? How sad for Carrie! I personally think she should bring her butt back to NY, resume her column and her life. One of my friends (although I’m not naming names) is the ultimate “man’s woman” and would have no problem quitting her job and running off to a foreign country to live off of some guy in the name of true love. You all can probably imagine that we violently disagree on this issue.

Although Paris is a great city (once you learn to circumnavigate the random piles of dog shit that seem to be everywhere), I would probably have to call it a two week vacation, get out of there and re-assume my life. But that’s just me.

By the way . . . has anyone seen Star Jones’ new fiance? Is it just me, or does he look at little . . . um . . . well . . . feminine?

Announcements!! Okay, so the column is now BI-WEE…

Announcements!! Okay, so the column is now BI-WEEKLY, which means that it now updates every OTHER Saturday. I’m probably going to have some sort of intermittent publication on my site, so please stay tuned and I promised to update you.

On another note, Valentines Day is . . . what? . . .TWO DAYS AWAY!!! That’s right only one more shopping day until Valentines Day, and since I just had to do this with another male friend just scant moments ago, let me provide some acceptable gift ideas for men who have procrastinated (because we women are all on the ball, right?):

1. Pampering bath products — this would include an aromatic salt scrub (notice I said salt SCRUB, not salt LICK — two different concepts), bubble bath — or shower gel. Let me further suggest a few brands: Philosophy — found at most major department stores, Philosophy has fantastic products with cute little sayings on the jars. VERY inspiring, and one of Oprah’s fave things. H2O Plus — Retail outlet, has a fabulous salt scrub, and the milk bath is the shiznit. Origins — great bath products. They have a red clay rub that makes me never want to leave the steam room. Aveda has great stuff, but I especially love their candles. Yummy!

2. Gift certificate for a couples cooking class — but ONLY if she likes to cook and you’re not trying to hint that she should cook more. This could result in a horrible argument (and no Valentine’s Day sex) if your intentions aren’t honest. Calphalon has GREAT classes and the best thing is that you get to eat what you cook.

3. Tickets to a play that she’s been mentioning. Here’s a hint . . . she’s been mentioning it for a REASON!

4. And my personal fave — the spa treatment. Get her a gift certificate for an aromatherapy massage (or hot stone, or deep tissue, or herbal wrap). Don’t be afraid. I don’t know ONE woman who doesn’t love a good couple of hours at a spa. You’ll get SO lucky, trust me. If you’re in Chicago, try Kiva, The Peninsula, or Bettye O Day Spa in Hyde Park.

Unacceptable gifts (just so that we’re clear):

1) Any household appliance or power tool

2) Sleazy, butt-cutting, uncomfortable lingerie. Don’t get me wrong . . . lingerie is great, but we don’t want to look like we’re selling anything.

3) Chocolate if she’s on a diet. She’ll appear to love it, but later on (after inhaling the entire box) she’ll blame you for her bulging thighs. You won’t want to hear it . . . believe me.

AND THE MOST UNACCEPTABLE VALENTINE’S GIFT . . . . .

4) Nothing.

[Ladies, you can thank me later]

Happy Monday beautiful people. First . . . ha…

Happy Monday beautiful people.

First . . . have I mentioned that Valentine’s Day is only 6 days away? That’s right — only 5 shopping days. Get moving.

Did anyone happen to catch the Grammy’s? Beyonce was great. Alicia Keys — well . . . let’s just say that her last name is a misnomer because I don’t think she hit ONE key during her tribute to Luther. Celine Dion almost pulled a Janet because of her low cut blazer. I’d swear she was hanging out at one point. Interestingly enough, few noticed and of those, none cared.

I was actually in a show this weekend that did pretty well — although that good performance can in no way be attributed to me. You guys were fantastic. You know who you are.

Another week, new reality shows. I can barely wait!

This is a public service announcement: VALENTIN…

This is a public service announcement:

VALENTINES DAY IS ONLY NINE DAYS AWAY!!!

You may now return to your regularly scheduled rant.

Just because it’s CALLED "the boob tube" . . . …

Just because it’s CALLED “the boob tube” . . .

Is it just me, or is the Jackson family breeding with defective genes? They simply don’t know what to do with their genitals in that family. And they all seem to have an aversion to live interviews. What’s with all of this videotaped stuff? Janet sat there apologizing for her breast-capades, insisting that it was an accident. I normally love Miss-Jackson-If-You’re-Nasty, but I have to say that she looked freaky, at best.

Now, this is not to say that the media isn’t taking this whole thing WAY too far. They act as if their kids don’t see worse things on television. I know people who were watching the whole thing and didn’t even know that a boob had been flashed. It’s not as if there was a full frontal close-up where her nipple (adorned in what I’ve been calling the “breast brooch”) took up 75% of the screen.

And now they’re talking about banning Janet and Justin (who can rip off my bustier any day) from the Grammys. Hmm . . . and R. Kelly is allowed to participate, I suppose? Seems unfair to me.

Average Joe — where to begin. Well . . . they …

Average Joe — where to begin.

Well . . . they guys are being downright catty. Maybe all of that testosterone is starting to cancel itself out.

First of all the “Joes” are still majorly unhappy about the “A-Team” good looking guys. One of them — Brian (I think) from Boston who works for Homeland Security and has an impenetrable accent — had a private date with Larissa where he told her that one of the new cuties called her a derogatory name.

She had a date with Theo, an A-Teamer, and he told her that a fellow A-Teamer referred to her as a “beaver.” She then had a date with Todd, another A-teamer, who didn’t give her the specifics, but was quick to clarify that it wasn’t him who had made the derogatory reference. Michael C., the classy name-caller, got pissed off that Theo had blown the whistle that a name had been called.

In bitchy retaliation, Michael C. pointed the “Joes” to the attention of a cartoon that had been drawn by Theo that makes fun of the Joes when the A-Team arrived. (It was hilarious, actually. He drew Larissa’s eyes popping out of her head when she saw them, and caricatures of the Joes, including a picture of David Daskal wetting his pants) Of course Fredo, Mr. Testosterone, got mad at his portrayal, and I would swear he was ready to kick Theo’s ass. The Joes pointed out that if that kind of drawing had been made about Theo in high school, his feelings would have been hurt. (Helloooo? We’re adults!)

Now here’s the part that caused me to cringe. Theo felt bad about his derogatory drawing and explained that it was done before he knew the guys’ personalitites. According to Theo, he would never have drawn that cartoon if he had known what great guys they were. Then he got teary eyed and said that he aspired to be like these guys. That’s about the time when the TiVo fast forward feature came into play. I really couldn’t take much more.

Who got voted off: Theo (A team – the cryer), Pete (A-Team – non-descript blonde), Jerry (A-team – guy w/the ponytail), Sean (Joe – overweight chef), Mike S. (Joe – have no identifying feature to name), and the illustrious David Daskal (Joe – skinny boy with chin-length bob).

That’s it until next week, folks!

Janet Jackson’s Flashing Unplanned, my ass!

Janet Jackson’s Flashing

Unplanned, my ass!