Happy Halloween! On the day before my cleanse, …

Happy Halloween!

On the day before my cleanse, I always have grand notions about what I’m going to eat — what decadence I will indulge in prior to my week of deprivation. Today, I’ve fallen short of gluttonous expectations. I woke up kind of late (well, about as late as I’m going to wake up), and missed having a real breakfast, and now, at mid-afternoon, I’m really not hungry, and everything I’m craving isn’t reaching my caloric expectations. WTF? The problem is that I know that in a mere 24 hours (or less) I will be jonesing for the very food that I can freely eat today.

The trick or treaters haven’t started arriving yet — not that they can access my door directly — so I’m going to duck out before they do.

Have I blogged about Desperate Housewives yet? LOVE it!! It has high TiVo priority. Can’t wait to see it tonight.

I have no idea what I’m doing today. I guess the …

I have no idea what I’m doing today. I guess the better way to put it is that I have so much to do that I don’t know where to start. I’m on deadline with three projects, but what else is new, right? And then I have to visit my friend Jen’s new holiday store in Chicago Place mall this morning to see how her merchandise setup is coming along. THEN I have a few parties to go to for Halloween. The problem is that two aren’t costume, and one is. So, do I go in costume to all of them (and look really stupid?), or do I change in the car before the third one? I guess I’ll have to figure it out. Enough of my stream of consciousness.

I’m going to warn you that I will likely be an erratic blogger over the next 30 days because, as I previously posted, I’m participating in National Novel Writing Month, where the objective is to pound out an entire novel in 30 days. To answer your question — yes, I’ve definitely lost my mind. And to further prove that, I’m doing this via blog, so you’re welcome to read my progress, and I hope — HOPE — to make the 50,000 word deadline by end of month. I’ll post that link in my sidebar at some point, but I want to get a good couple of chapters in before I let anyone read it and (God forbid) make comments. My only hope is that I can develop a plot. At this point — a mere two days before the starting gun sounds — I have nada. It’s not called “Albatross – the Novel” for nothing.

On another more interesting note, does anyone else avoid trick or treaters? I guess if you live in a neighborhood where there are nice, cute little kids who dress up in costume and politely ring your bell, usually accompanied by an adult, or older chaperone, it can be a really cute thing. I would be happy to fill their little bags with bite sized Snickers and Three Musketeers (while intermittently stuffing them into my mouth).

But that isn’t the way it goes over here. I have the inner city experience, where you get the ‘kids’ who are a little too big to be trick or treating. In fact, some of them are probably good candidates for juvenile hall. AND they’ve made half-assed attempts at costumes that come out a little TOO scary — like, they put on black shirts and ski masks (or long skull caps). They vigorously ring the bell at 9:00 pm, and instead of saying “trick or treat,” they say: “gimme that candy, bitch!” If you’re still, somehow nice enough to give them candy, you might notice that they’re looking over your shoulder, into your house, as if casing the joint (as my dad would say).

As you can probably imagine, I have absolutely NO incentive to answer my door — particularly if I’m alone. This makes me “that mean lady who doesn’t give out candy.” At least I’m alive.

Lots of traffic on Blogger today. Jeez, it took m…

Lots of traffic on Blogger today. Jeez, it took me about an hour to get a connection. I guess I won’t know if this really works until I try and upload, so if you’re reading this, I guess it works.

It’s Friday! Woo-hoo! I’m not generally one who says ‘woo-hoo.’ That phrase (and I’m being generous by referring to it as a phrase) is typically reserved for WASPy sorority girls, but I thought I’d give it a whirl anyway.

I’ll share with you all the highlight — or should I say downfall — of my morning. Let me first start by saying that I love animals. LOVE them. I generally don’t care what it is. It can be a dog, ferret, wild animal, lizard — whatever. As long as it doesn’t have more than 4 legs, it’s my friend. I happen to be a cat owner because cats are easy and relatively low maintenance. I also have a couple of cats that hang around (strays) because . . . well . . . I feed them. I can’t help it. They’re cute and furry.

The other part of this story has to do with garbage. I take my trash out on the day that the sanitation department comes to collect. I do this largely because I don’t want anyone digging through it, like people tend to do in my neighborhood. I like to time it perfectly so that every Friday at about 7:30 am, I walk out and hand it to the sanitation crew.

This morning, I got up really early. I fed the cats, showered, got dressed, and was still a wee bit ahead of schedule for the big blue truck, so I thought I’d check around in the yard for stray garbage that may have blown around during the rainstorm. In doing so, I unwittingly stepped directly in a voluminous heap of squishy wet cat shit. And then, to emphasize what I had just done, I screamed “SHIT!” in a voice that probably woke my neighbor.

Normally this would have been — well — I guess it wouldn’t have been okay, right? But it would have been much easier had I not already bathed and dressed to see the client. The crap got all in the grooves on the bottom of my shoe. It was nasty — as shit tends to be.

Needless to say, I was quickly behind schedule, I’ve now had 2 showers and I’m wearing a different outfit. I’m also wondering whether I might be overfeeding those strays.

I could really have shortened this post by saying “I stepped in cat shit this morning,” but that wouldn’t have been nearly as entertaining.

I meant to post this yesterday, but I’m slacking. …

I meant to post this yesterday, but I’m slacking. Sorry!!!

I get really frustrated with myself when I do dumb things, like forget to put gas in my car before I go in for the evening, knowing that seeing the needle on ‘E’ WITH the red light will only piss me off in the morning. What the hell was I thinking? (Aside from “Please, Lord, just let me make it home without getting a DUI.” Only kidding! No, really. I am!).

So, yesterday (Tuesday) morning, before an early meeting, I had to brave the popular BP Amoco in the South Loop. That place is a hotbed of activity no matter what time of day you go. There are, like, 20 gas pumps that are always at least 50% occupied. There’s a car wash (which seems to only work on days when I don’t really need a wash, and I haven’t already paid for it at the pump, but I digress). Even more importantly, there’s a store that actually has interesting inventory. Yesterday, the object of my affection was a pour-and-stir cup of oatmeal. Mmmmm. (Don’t give me grief. Oatmeal is food of the gods!)

So, while my $90/gallon gas was pumping into my car, I decided to go inside to buy my oatmeal, and, while I was in line waiting for the cashier to ring my morning treat, a woman came to the window to inform the cashier that there was a man in the bathroom shouting for toilet paper.

I was a little confused. Either she had been in the men’s room, or he was shouting so loud that he could be heard outside the door. Both options are pretty pathetic, if you ask me. I could imagine some poor guy, sitting on the toilet, screaming for help, redefining the concept of being “ass out.” I developed a case of the giggles that didn’t stop until, well, I guess they haven’t stopped yet.

Anyhoo, so, the nonplussed cashier, alias Miss Congeniality, kept ringing cash gas transactions without blinking an eye. The woman, who was somehow more bothered about this stranded man than was warranted, said “Did you hear me? I said that there’s a man in the bathroom screaming for toilet paper!”

I immediately suggested that we sell him some, and then let out a belly laugh at my own joke. I was ignored. Actually I wasn’t ignored. Miss Congeniality (cashier) scowled at me with the “get your funny, oatmeal-eatin’-ass out of my face,” but since she hadn’t bothered to ring up my item yet, I couldn’t go anywhere.

Then she looked at the woman and said “What do you expect ME to do? Go in there and wipe his ass?!”

That was it. The tone was set for the day. After that incident, I had a bad day AND a flat tire. But at least I had something to laugh about.

I just love reality TV. I watched Wife Swap and Am…

I just love reality TV. I watched Wife Swap and America’s Next Top Model last night while working, which means that the integrity of my projects has been severely undermined. By the way, those families were completely crazy. Between the chant-happy buddhist interracial family who has no visible means of financial support, and the meat-happy neat freak Italian family, comprised of spoiled, video-game addicted children, my family seems, well, nearly normal. Not completely, but almost.

Also, I’m starting the cleanse again soon. I can’t wait! I don’t know why I can’t wait, because I’ve re-read my blog during the days of the last cleanse, and I can’t say that it was joyful, but for some reason, I’m looking forward to doing it again. Call me crazy.

On another note, I’m reminded of why the cold weather irritates me. I have a circulation “issue” that has been unofficially diagnosed (by my doctor) as Raynaud’s Syndrome. I hate having anything called a Syndrome. In any event, here is the official definition:

Definition – Episodic vasospasm (constriction of small arteries) of the digits. It is characterized by digital blanching, cyanosis(blue), a feeling of numbness or dulled sensory response and rubor (red) after cold exposure and rewarming. It can also be induced by anxiety or stress. This condition is primarily confined to the fingers and toes but can affect areas of the body such as your nose, cheeks, ears and even tongue.

Sounds lovely, doesn’t it? I’m sure this has happened to me because I hate wearing gloves except for when I’m cleaning off the car. You would think that I would wisen up and actually buy myself a pair of gloves to keep my hands from killing me all winter. Naah. Too easy.

I thought my long project was going to get cancell…

I thought my long project was going to get cancelled, but it’s back on! Yay! I love being fully booked.

I realized, yesterday (not that I didn’t already have an inkling of this) that I’m really an obstinate person. I think this is another result of my upbringing because my mother resorts to a lot of guilt trips and browbeating to get me to do what she wants. From what I understand, these are common themes among mothers. Everyone reacts differently. Some people cater to guilt trips, some people do whatever they can to thwart them. Personally, I’m so traumatized that, as an adult, I refuse to respond to it.

In fact, I hate a guilt trip. Guilt trips are wasted on me. I have enough self-inflicted guilt to take on someone else’s (did I mention that my mother is also Catholic?). If someone wants to have a tantrum about something, they’re doing it by themselves because I refuse to participate. In fact I’m usually pushed to do the opposite of what they want me to do. Obviously this doesn’t go over well with the tantrum-throwers.

Now, you’re probably wondering why I’m writing about this. Of course there was an incident that prompted this rant, but I have to be sort of cryptic about it, while expressing the general point. And no, it had nothing to do with my mother — for a change. And yes, I know it’s unfair to bring up something that I can’t fully expound on, but hell, I’m obstinate . . . what do you expect?

On a happy note. . .the weather is great here, and I might be able to live my childhood dream of wearing my Halloween costume with no coat over it. Yippee!

A lot of quality TV last night. First, I know that…

A lot of quality TV last night. First, I know that those who weren’t in the know are upset at having missed the Swan premiere. I did manage to see a few minutes of the “Where are they now” segment, and learned that at least one of the former Swans is blimping out again. I was multitasking while working, but I managed to turn to the Radio Music Awards to see good ole Ashlee Simpson’s attempt at live singing. My did she suck. She gave a little interview with Carson Daly during the show about her snafu. (Does anyone else find Carson Daly uninteresting? Maybe it’s just me.) I guess her father quickly came up with the acid reflux excuse.

She was on the Today show this morning, explaining her weird behavior by saying that she had acid reflux, which damaged her vocal chords. She went on to emote that she resents being compared to Milli Vanilli because she writes her own music and it comes from her heart, and that, during any other show, she’s singing her heart out. But she was “sick,” and couldn’t do it this time.

The drummer, she claims, pushed the wrong button, activating the wrong song. Katie Couric said “So, is he still your drummer?” She said something like: “Totally! I totally love my band. They’re totally good guys, and totally awesome musicians. I would totally never fire one of them over something like that. They totally rock.” Now how they feel about HER is a completely different story. They probably think she’s a total bitch.

I predict she’ll profit from this episode. She will receive acid reflux drug endorsements, not to mention free dance classes from someone (hell, I might even have to give them to her myself!)

I’m thinking about doing something a little crazy,…

I’m thinking about doing something a little crazy, which is participating in National Novel Writing Month. Beginning in November, it’s a challenge to write a novel in a month. I think it’s something like 170,000 words that have to be finished in order to be entered into the running to win a contest. Some people have had novels published this way, and while I doubt I’ll be one of those people, I will at least put my speed-writing to the test.

To add to my craziness — because when do I have the time to do this, really — I’m planning on doing the entire thing via blog. Not this blog. A different one. I’ve already set it up, and I’ll release the address and add a link to this, and my personal site, when I’m convinced that I’m not writing a complete piece of shit. A partial piece of shit is okay, but a COMPLETE one? Now that’s a different story!

This should be fun, and please don’t talk about me too badly if I don’t finish my words by the end of the month. I’m going to try, though! I really, really am!!!

I don’t know why this is on my mind, but, hey . . …

I don’t know why this is on my mind, but, hey . . . it’s Monday and I have a few minutes of downtime.

So . . . on SNL this past weekend, apparently Ashlee Simpson had a Milli Vanilli moment as her vocal track started without her. Actually, she’d already successfully synched her first song, and for her second one, the vocal track from the first song started playing. Her band started playing along with the track — even though it was the wrong song — and Ashlee, who’s very rhythmically challenged, started doing a really strange dance — like a jig or something. When she couldn’t figure it out (doesn’t take much to confuse Ashlee), she just walked off stage and the show went to commercial. At the end of the show, she apologized for her band playing the wrong song — like it’s her band’s fault that she can’t sing.

I can just imagine Jessica giving a little chuckle at this incident, and saying to herself “Who’s the REAL singer in the family, bitch!?”

She’s supposed to be doing another “live” performance at the Radio Music Awards tonight. I hope the sound person gets the tracks right this time!

The day just took a turn. I was just informed tha…

The day just took a turn. I was just informed that I’ll probably have to put in about 4 hours on my new project TODAY, on top of the other stuff. So that movie I was thinking about? Fuhgeddabout it!