Things I wish I could teach my Godchildren, but probably shouldn’t

Since I’m not having kids, I have the wonderful opportunity to teach the limited amount of children in my life the things that their parents probably won’t teach them. They’re things that my parents didn’t tell me, for fear that I would get the wrong idea and develop bad behavior. The reality is that kids have bad behavior anyway, so I think it’s better to give them lessons that will keep them out of trouble, while maximizing their fun.

Of course their parents will probably kill me if they learn that I’m actually advocating certain things. Oh well. Their fault for choosing me as a godparent, when it’s so clear that I’m not a good role model.

1. Don’t be a geek just because you want to get good grades. It is possible to have it all. You can be smart, athletic and popular. Social interaction is SO important in school. Don’t miss out.

2. Better to instigate than participate. If there’s any excessive laughter in class, or bad behavior, and you’re in the vicinity, it’s a good thing for you to know when to get in, and when to get out. Get in early. Instigate if you must, but if someone’s paying attention (that ’someone’ being an authority figure), put on your game face as though you weren’t a participant. Trust me on this one.

3. If you’re going to swear, or give your sister the finger, look around and make sure that your parents or grandparents aren’t in a two room vicinity. They have a way of catching you right as that middle finger is rising. You won’t be happy with the outcome.

4. Clean up, and learn the finer points of stain removal. Good cleaning skills are important, particularly when it comes to removing evidence that you’ve had a party in your parents’ house, or have been doing something lewd in their car. You might resent them for forcing you to do your chores, but they’re really giving you building blocks necessary for being sneaky in the future.

5. NEVER be the last person to leave a party. That’s when all of the shit goes down. Either that or you’re forced to help clean up — which is NOT a good use of your cleaning skills. Also, it’s best not to develop the reputation of being the last one standing. Make people wonder where you went.

6. Confide in a ‘cool’ aunt or uncle if you can’t talk to your parents. We’ll help you out of things, and we don’t want to see you get in trouble . . . within reason of course.

I’m sure I’ll be adding to this list as time goes on, but feel free to add comments.