A girl’s gotta stock up

Normally I run errands alone. It isn’t my natural inclination to run errands with another person. But, I had a rare occurrence the other day when my friend C. and I were trying to enjoy a beautiful Saturday.

We went to the Target on Elston to pick up odds and ends.

First, if any of you are familiar with that Target, I must say that I’m amazed at their inventory. They’ve added high end shampoos and salon formula brands! There’s an abundance of liquor! And their “personal care products” (PCP) inventory has nearly doubled!

My friend and I went into the PCP aisle and nearly lost our minds. Initially it was a routine stroll down Feminine Hygiene Way to check for sales on Playtex, Kotex, etc. And then we saw all of the shelfspace dedicated to lotions and potions that were newly available and had a field day.

C. grabbed a box of condoms “just to have around the house.” I teased her about her optimism in selecting the Trojan XL Magnums.

Then, we noticed that KY has a new line of warming massage oils. Couldn’t resist.

She and I both grabbed the special promotional packs that included a large bottle of oil and one of those three-pronged-plastic-massager-thingys (because I’m sure that’s the clinical name for them) and whipped them into our shared basket. There were other cool products that we ooh-ed and aah-ed over for several minutes.

When we finally managed to extract ourselves from that aisle, our basket was full to bursting with all things hygienic and borderline kinky.

Five minutes later, we ran into friends of C’s.

Have you ever noticed how it’s customary to check out the basket of the person that you run into at the store? We always want to know what our friend is buying. This is typically okay, since my Target purchases never amount to anything more exciting than laundry detergent and office supplies.

I was hoping that C’s friends - married couple with child - wouldn’t look down because if they did, they would think, among other things, “What, exactly, is going on with your vagina?”

I was chuckling to myself at the thought of their reaction, and realized that they must think that I’m insane in addition to being a person whose nether regions require a whole lot of product.

I know . . . I know!

Thaihoney called me out. I’ve been an extra-terrible blogger. I have excuses, and whether or not any of them are believable remains to be seen.

First, I was in Vegas last week! Viva! I was there for a meeting, but managed to get in a lot of fun. First of all, I stayed at Red Rock, which is a FABULOUS hotel. I also managed to catch O, which you should never miss if you get the chance to check it out. Even though I’m generally a lucky person, I’m not much of a gambler, and I’m proud to say that I did not put one quarter in a slot, nor did I pass one dollar across a blackjack table.

So, my column is on vacation today. They’re trying to work in a new column by a lesbian writer, and mine is the slot that they’ve decided to alternate. Boo! The editor plans to alternate her in every other Friday for a month. For some reason, I’ve become territorial about my column inches. WTF? If you’re interested in writing to complain about my absence today, do so at ritaredeye@tribune.com. I know, I’m evil.

The other interesting bit for the week is that I’m putting a patio in my backyard. The thing to know is that my backyard is about the same size as the newly issued Forever Stamp. The patio shouldn’t be that big of a deal, so the BF has decided that this could be a couple project. My coworkers predict that this will be the end of our relationship. Already, we’ve hit a few snafus and I think it’s going to take us WAY longer that we thought. As long as it doesn’t run into June, I think I can live with it.

I might post pics of progress. That is, if there is any progress.

Does anyone know if you can post with WordPress via e-mail. That would make my blogging life SO much easier. (Excuses, excuses)

The new blog

Yep, this is the new blog. I’m trying to figure out which interface I like best, so I’m co-blogging right now until I make a decision. I will only be updating this one, so check here for new stuff. There are a few recent posts on the old blog, so feel free to check there too, if you so desire. I know . . . confusing, right?

The new column dropped today, and it’s a retelling of one of my favorite bad date stories. Those who know me will probably recognize it, and the name has been changed to protect the very, very guilty!

On another note, my friend Jen’s new book, Bright Lights, Big Ass released this week. Run. Buy. Now.

How to gain weight

I have this down to a science, and given that I have “found” two pounds this week, I feel that my life can serve as an example:

1. Go out every night. And I mean EVERY night. Drink and eat with reckless abandon while you’re out. What can one more cocktail or coconut shrimp hurt? Just have a great time.

2. Eat a hearty lunch every day. That’s right, don’t say no to fries or (turkey) burgers.

3. Take samples from all of the candy bowls in the office. If you’re fortunate enough to be in a workplace where the admins (or anyone else) put gratuitous bowls of dangerous candy on their desks (e.g. mini Snickers, Milky Ways, etc.) for passers-by, be sure and grab a handful each time you walk by. Make sure that you take several breaks to walk around the office during the course of the day (and strategically chart a path near the best chocolate).

4. Engage in drunken snacking. No explanation required.

5. Be sedentary, and forget the definition of “health club.” Who has time for that, what with all of your social activites.

If you follow this program to the letter, your thighs are sure to be rubbing together by Memorial Day.