Blogabsent

I haven’t blogged in what feels like forever. A lot has been going on. Because I have a penchant for bulletpoints, I’ll lead with the most important . . .

1. My father had surgery. He was diagnosed with colon cancer a few months ago. Really? Could 2008 get worse? Well . . . it actually got better. He was diagnosed during a routine colonoscopy, when the doctors found 2 polyps. One was harmless, the other was larger and cancerous. It was decided that it was contained. His CAT scan was clean. He wasn’t optimistic given what we went through with my mother. I, however, had received opinions from every oncologist who would listen, and based on their reviews of his path report, he would likely be okay. He had surgery to remove the area last wednesday, and I’m happy to report that he’s CANCER FREE!! Hooray! He feels SO much better, and I, of course, am on cloud nine, and thanking the Universe every day that he’s okay. Now if I could just keep him from overdoing it. A good problem to have.

2. I released a new column last Friday. I didn’t link to it right away. My bad! It’s all about when to exchange keys. Go here and check it out.

3. I took new headshots for the column. In fact, all of the RedEye columnists took new pics. I hope these actually look like me, as opposed to the other ones, which look like . . . well . . . someone else, I guess.

4. I’m preparing for our annual yard sale! Well . . . it’s not always annual, just for the last two years. Three of us — all ex-colleagues — combine our high quality merchandise (read: crap) and haul it Evanston to raid Jean’s yard. I’m selling a lot of my mother’s clothing, and I’m anxious to find buyers who will really enjoy it. I have SO much stuff, and I hope someone takes pity on me and buys it. Come on out!

5. I had my performance review. The good news is that I still have a job.

6. I think this is the year — the year that I finally cave in and get knee surgery. I’ve had two, and I need one more to get my ACL reconstructed. I’m not looking forward to it, but seriously? I’m certainly not getting any younger, and the older we get, the worst this surgery becomes. I have an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon on Tuesday, who will undoubtedly try to kick my ass for not coming in sooner. He wanted to completely fix my year nearly 10 years ago when he operated on me the first time. I can’t hardly wait.

7. I saw Dark Knight. Loved every second and mourning the loss of Heath Ledger more than ever. Also thinking that Christian Bale is kinda hot.

8. I saw Pineapple Express. I can’t get that time back.

9. Speaking of time . . . where the hell did the summer go? I guess that was really more of an observation than an activity.

Other than that, glad to report that I haven’t caught anyone having any meals in the bathroom lately.

Clubfunk

I just returned home from an evening at Lumen where I’m sure I was a) the oldest (because I’m not 22), and b) the fattest (because I’m not a size 0).

I’m also pretty sure that I smelled the best.

I made an observation that was so strong that it forced me to return home in the middle of the night and fire up my laptop — I never thought I would miss smokers.

I used to detest club smokers — even when I was one myself. I hated the smell, the mess, the fact that they could burn you haphazardly as you walked by, the smokers who enjoyed dancing with cigarettes in hand, and the smell of my hair in the morning when I rolled over, or the nasty scent of stale second hand smoke on my clothes (that precluded me from getting a second wear out of that pair of jeans).

But here’s the thing . . . ever since smoking was banned in Chicago, we have other odors to contend with.

A few weeks ago I was at Sonotheque, and marvelled over the malodorous BO that was as prevalent as the house music being blasted through the speakers. Seriously? It was like a busload of people who are violently opposed to bathing were let loose in the club. It was absolutely horrible.

And then, tonight? I don’t know what the Lumen crowd had for dinner, but there was an epidemic of bad gas flowing through the club. I don’t think my olfactory nerves will ever be the same again. WTF??? Is anyone working on a vaccine for bad gas?

Retail therapy

I spent a fair amount of time on Michigan Avene and State St. this weekend with the intent of buying something — anything.

I hit the major stores, and noticed an overriding theme in women’s clothing. I typically hit the Career Sportswear departments, and some of the things that I saw made me wonder — what kinds of careers do most people have? I saw outfits that were barely club-ready, much less anything that I would wear in an office. WTF? Perhaps the stores are catering to traditional ‘working girls?’

Even though I was ensconced in hooker gear, I still managed to buy a few work dresses (and no they’re not the kind that one would find on a woman who’s workin’ the pole).

I’m in reality heaven

Project Runway debuted tonight! Yay!! I’m so excited mainly because I didn’t realize it was starting. I looked at my TiVo roster for the day, and voila! There it was. A brand new season premiere episode of Project Runway with lots of attitudinal designers. I can’t wait to watch them all systematically tear their asses with the judges. If I were the perky type, I would squeal with glee. But me? Not so much.

Recently I’ve realized just how perky I’m NOT. Largely because I work with the perkiest of the perky. They’re very sweet but, frankly? All that perkiness gets on my freakin’ last nerve. Especially in the morning.

I’m the weird kind of morning person that can get a ton of shit done, but really doesn’t want to be spoken to. I hate making idol chit-chat in the morning. Starbuck’s in the morning drives me nuts. If it weren’t for my latest addiction — the Spinach Feta wrap — I wouldn’t visit.

BTW, The Spinach Feta wrap is pure deliciousness.

Okay, so this isn’t the most appetizing picture, but I guarantee that it’s tasty. Not advertised in the title of the item are the sundried tomatoes, which really make the flavor of this wrap. Yummy.

The trouble is that, when you get a cooked item in Starbuck’s, they ask for your name so that they can bellow it at the tops of their lungs when it’s ready (as opposed to just finding the person standing eagerly beside the counter with her arm extended).

There are a couple of perky workers in this Starbuck’s. I’ve blogged about this before. There used to be one principal perky man, and now there’s another. They have quite a bit in common. They’re both black, they both have voices that carry and resonate, and they both enjoy talking too much while they’re working (thus slowing the movement of the line), making small talk that nobody wants to engage in at 7:30 am.

To add insult to injury, I’m such a creature of habit that they’ve now become accustomed to my near-daily spinach feta wrap order, and feel the need to comment every morning. “You must be jonesing for that wrap!” “Getting your usual this morning?” “Ready for that wrap?”

In and of itself, these aren’t bad things. They think they’re making their customers feel at home, which has been proven to solidify a customer base. I totally get it.

But I’m kinda weird. And I prefer anonymity. If they notice that I’m ordering a spinach feta wrap every day, I almost wish they’d shut up about it.

It’s not that deep, though. The second that I leave Starbucks with my hot steamy wrap, I forget all about the perky Starbuck’s boys, because that’s when the real stress begins.

At least I don’t eat my wrap in the bathroom.

New column and another nasty bathroom violation

Another column released yesterday. It’s about men who secretly date other men. Click here to check it out. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

So . . . a few posts ago, I wrote about Nasty Bathroom Girl who puts her food on the floor of the stall while she relieves herself (I nearly threw up just writing that). Well . . . the other day I went into the bathroom and heard crunching coming from one of the stalls.

Crunching, like eating chips.

In fact, it WAS a person eating chips. I looked on the floor of the closed stall — hoping that I wouldn’t see what I did, which was an OPEN BAG of chips laying there. I never received confirmation — because I got the hell out of there ASAP — but the person in there was probably Nasty Bathroom Girl — because who else would think it was a good idea to idea while taking a dump???

WTF???

home sick today

I’m breaking my impeccable record by having to remain home today and nurse my illness. I’m not happy about it, and I’m working anyway. I felt that, if I continued to go at my pace, I would end up with some nasty form of pneumonia, which would REALLY suck.

So, here I am . . .

I’m contemplating defrosting some of my famous chicken soup that I reserved for these very occasions, but I’m too damned lazy. Isn’t that pathetic?

Nap time.

it’s official

I have a full-blown cold with all the trimmings - runny nose, aches, pains, you name it. I’m an unhappy girl. And I have SO much work to do, dammit!!!!

active ingredient, my ass!

So, I’m somewhat sick. Translation: I don’t have a runny nose or fever, but I’m coughing a lot and I feel a bit of congestion in my chest. I went to the local (ghetto) Walgreen’s to look for a remedy.

The thing to know about me is that I have no fear of generic brands that have the same active ingredient. If it contains the same percentage and it’s $3 cheaper, why not? I’m sick so infrequently that it hardly matters, right? Yeah . . . not so much.

I was reading the boxes, trying to determine which would be the right medicine for me.

Do I have a runny nose, fever, sinus irritation? Nope

Do I have a sinus headache combined with chest congestion and a cough. Almost, but not quite.

Do I have watery, itchy eyes with a runny nose, fever and chills? No. Thank God.

Do I need a drowsy formula? Hell no.

Am I light-headed with extreme hunger and a desire to laugh at things that aren’t funny? Translation: am I high? No. But at this point, I wouldn’t mind.

Finally I found the right formula: cough with chest congestion.

Right next to the Robitussin, I found the Walgreen’s product. Same symptoms, same active ingredient, $3 less. Bingo.

Well . . . now I’m home, and I took this other (inferior) Tussin product, and I’ve decided that I need the Robi, because something is awry with my Tussin. Whatever the hell is in Tussin, it apparently needs the Robi to get the wellness party started.

Not only have I notstopped coughing, but I think I’ve coughed more in the last hour than I have all day. There’s a rumble in my chest so loud that it scared Phoebe, who was trying to sleep peacefully on my left (serves the little brat right for meowing in my face in the morning, but I digress . . . ).

I have no idea how I’m going to sleep tonight. Do you know what lack of sleep means? That’s right . . . more sickness.

WTF?? No more Tussin for me. It’s Robi all the way.

happy belated 4th

I was too busy partying to blog.

I have a week to catch everyone up on. I was in DC last week for a wedding (June 28th). It was absolutely amazing. The groom is one of my best friends, and the bride — whom I only recently met — is also a very sweet person. I saw them while I was in NY over Memorial Day weekend, and the bride was stressing over wedding plans, but it all came together so nicely. The wedding was really well done. The ceremony itself was held at National Cathedral.

I loved it that they didn’t have any of those little wedding giveaways, like whistles with their names engraved. Once you hit a certain age, those things lose their luster — and let’s face it . . . who really wants to pack something extra. Not I.

I arrived home after the wedding, full of good food and even better memories, just in time to prepare for the 4th of July.

The theme of the week was sleep deprivation. And I’m paying for it today.

Here’s the exciting recap:

Thursday, July 3rd
Work until 2 (yes, I got railroaded in to working longer than expected!)
Go home, eat, change into dress, pack a bag of casual clothes
Go to my 5:00 nail appointment
Attend a wedding at the Park West at 7:00
Leave the wedding at 11:00 pm
Change clothes in my car (on a dark street), and go to the next party at Green Dolphin (more about that later)
Arrive home at 3:30 am. Tipsy.

Friday, July 4th
Sleep as late as possible, which for me only means that I slept until about 9:00 am
Begin watching Design Star marathon, and eventually force myself to get my lazy ass off the couch
Attempt to bake a cake (an effort that was thwarted by my new oven, which spontaneously turned itself off)
Throw batter down the garbage disposal, frustrated
Arrive at friend J’s for barbecue at 4:00 with a big bottle of Malibu Rum in hand
Receive many hugs from J’s alcoholic relatives who LOVE Malibu Rum. I’d never met them before, but I’m pretty sure they really REALLY like me now.
Eat
Play with godchildren (the only kids that I will truly play with)
Eat
Eat
Invite the family alkies from J’s barbecue to join me at Legend’s to see Dad play, fully expecting them to decline
They accepted!
Arrive Legend’s at 10:45.
Buy the crew a round of lemon drop shots.
They like the shots and return the favor.
A couple of times.
Remain until 1:00 am.
Sauced.

Saturday, July 5th
Wake up not feeling so good.
Not good at all.
Not in a hangover sort of way, but in a goddammit-I-caught-a-fucking-cold way.
No matter, still need to meet L. for lunch at 12:00 noon
Eat and drink lots of tea
Go to a HUGE picnic (The Old School picnic) at 4:00
Dance. I didn’t feel well, but the music seduced me.
Talk. Didn’t really feel like talking either, but ran into people I hadn’t seen since . . . well . . .the last picnic, I guess.
Remain until 8:30. Needed to get the hell out of there before it got dark.
Stop at the noodles place to get soothing soup. I thought I was staying home.
Got a call from friend C.
Meet friend C. @ his aunt’s house to meet his relatives
Return to J’s for more cocktails w/alkie relatives
So much for couch time.

Sunday, July 6th
Still not feeling well
Oh well, still have to have brunch w/C. and family
Get my arm twisted to shoe shop w/C’s visiting sister
Return home @ 3:30
Get picked up @ 5:30 by Dad to go to a Caribbean festival
He tricked me — said he would be there for an hour. We were there for 3.
Got mad — was REALLY not feeling well — but refrained from yelling at him
Returned home.
Watched TiVo of Design Star
Slept. Finally.

More info than you needed, right?

Weeds

Does anyone watch Weeds? I love that show. My favorite line from tonight’s show –

“You’re fucked like a stray dog in Chinatown.”

Ha!