All in a day’s ride

Even though my car is fixed, I still take the bus to and from work. It’s a short commute, but long enough to get a few good chapters in of whatever I’m reading. And in this case, I’m on a speed-reading mission to finish the book club selections. I’m in two book clubs and both meetings have fallen on the same weekend – one of which I’m hosting – and ask me if I’m finished with either book. Nope. But I’m getting there.

I’ve been so into one of the books that I’m reading that I haven’t been paying attention to my surroundings.

Yesterday, I ended up with an elbow full of gum. Probably some nasty individual or unsupervised child stuck their disgusting bright blue minty wad of germy gum on the window sill. A wad that promptly adhered to the sleeve of my beautiful black leather trench coat. WTF, people? Who just sticks a hunk of gum on the window of a bus??

I still haven’t managed to get it all off, because every time I start scraping, I think of how the substance that I’m pulling at was once in some random person’s mouth. And then I start thinking of all of the diseases they could have (including mental illness for thinking that it was a good idea to use a bus windowsill as their own private gum receptacle), and I break out the Lysol to sterilize my hands.

Then, this morning, I was at the bus stop making good use of my longer-than-acceptable waiting time by reading my book, and a car pulled up to me really slowly. I looked up and stepped back from the curb (thinking that an abduction would be a terrible way to start the day), and as the car approached, the window went down and the woman in the passenger’s seat stretched her hand out to give me a piece of biblical literature, which I refused to take.

As they pulled off, I thought – “Oh my God! I’ve just had a Jehovah’s Witness drive-by!”

Isn’t it bad enough that they ring my bell whenever I forget to lock my gate? Or try to hand us literature as we’re walking down the street? NOW we have them approaching us in cars, scaring the shit out of us first thing in the morning? Is there no justice? No decency?

And, seriously? If your mission is to be a street-team proselytizer, isn’t it a tad lazy to do it from the car? Not that I’m trying to give them any ideas (because from my perspective, it’s actually much easier to step back while giving them the Heisman than to give an in-your-face verbal refusal), but I think I would have been a more captive audience had they approached me on foot. I wouldn’t have listened, and I would have still refused their pamphlets, but I would have at least been stuck in one place and less likely to call 911 from my cell phone.

From a productivity standpoint, I can’t imagine that there’s a high conversion rate using the drive-by method. (Then again, I can’t imagine that there’s a high conversion rate regardless of the methodology, but I digress . . .) Anyone who’s ever watched the news knows that it’s a very bad idea to approach a strange car, and I would imagine that a legal professional would say that approaching a strange car full of zealots ups the ante of danger.

All of this excitement before 7:30 am.

Now that I have scoliosis . . .

All day I’ve been trying to recover from my bus ride this morning. I was sitting next to an overgrown teenager — tall and wide — who wedged me in toward the window to accommodate his girth. I emerged from the bus not ready for work, but ready for a long chiropractor appointment.

This is not a new argument, people. But, damn! Let me just highlight a few points about bus etiquette that most people haven’t been taught, or flat out refuse to acknowledge:

1. Be respectful of others’ space. If a person in the next seat continues to edge over, it is not so that you can have more room — it’s because THEY DON’T WANT TO TOUCH YOU. I don’t generally enjoy rubbing bodies with perfect strangers — particularly not those on the bus.

2. Watch your baggage. Backpacks and large purses are deadly weapons and nobody appreciates being hit in the head while seated on the aisle.

3. Control your kids! Everyone isn’t appreciative of your child’s nursery rhymes and tantrums. We also don’t want to hear their noisy toys, and we’re not especially happy that they’re kicking our seats. Teach them to be considerate. Although I suppose considerate children would indicate the presence of a considerate parent. But I digress . . .

4. Don’t yammer away on your cell phone at the top of your lungs. A quiet short conversation is acceptable. Screaming for the entire bus ride is not okay. And depending on who’s sitting next to you, your loud conversation could lead to cell phone destruction. There are some violent,edgy people out there. I’m one of them.

5. Turn down your iPod. If I wanted to enjoy your playlist, I’d ask to use one of your earbuds.

6. Eating on the bus is disgusting (and probably illegal), but if your home is devoid of a dining room table and you simply insist on having a finger-licking, lip-smacking rib tip dinner on the bus, clean that shit up when you’re finished. Nobody wants an ass full of your mild sauce, or to smell the remnants of your salt & vinegar chips and grape soda. Especially not while wearing a suit.

7. Try to refrain from flirting on the bus. Personally, when I’m on the bus, I like to be left alone. I’m either ramping up for work, or decompressing from work. It’s debatable as to whether I even want to talk to people that I already know. Having said that, any attempts at flirtation, seduction, or general random conversation are unwelcomed. However, I’ll allow for those people who will talk to anyone in any given situation, so here are ways to tell that you shouldn’t flirt with someone on a bus:
a) The other person is staring intently out of the window.
b) He/she is wearing headphones
c) He/she is reading a book
d) He/she is sending text messages, or playing a game on the cell phone
e) If you disturb this person from any of the previous activities, he/she gives you a terse, one word answer.

Let’s make the CTA a more pleasant place!!!